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What Would Be The Best Bday Gift For Me?

So I'm a little excited for my birthday this year. Most of my birthdays, actually more than half, have been very depressing. Going through domestic violence, being suicidal, and living with PTSD has not helped. But being grateful that I actually didn't die when I was 24 means every year I have lived since is a gift.

Even last year was terrible as I only asked for ONE thing (which was for Grandma to make me her best Carrot Cake). and I still barely got it. Turns out, my mother-in-law took my cake out of our refrigerator and insisted everyone quickly eat it so they could return the container to grandma.

Literally the day before my birthday.

That was the only thing I asked for my birthday and we had just fled Denver due to violence. We didn't have much and could've asked for many things that would've been acceptable.

A few other things happened that day and I ended up breaking down crying.

But that was a year ago. Hopefully this year is better! And since it will just be my husband and my two fur babies, it will be!

I have always felt a bit awkward with gifts for my birthday. 1) because I used to ask for quite a few things (but never expecting most) and then would be made to feel guilty if I got a lot of gifts. Parents would blame me for being spoiled even though I didn't ask for half of what was given to me (nor did I even want them) 2) if I didn't like the item, I'm not very good at faking it. My brain will run off in wild directions trying to evaluate the use, if I could use it, or who could benefit from it...all while my external expression would not show that I'm "happy". 3) When going through domestic violence, I was made to feel guilty about asking for anything, or if I did ask for one or two possible items, I'd be hit back with 'well I got you this when you needed it x-months ago so that counts'.

There is a lot of deep disappointments and painful memories.

Oh like my 22nd or 23rd birthday where I literally stood in shock for three hours as my abusive ex yelled at me and chipped away at my character before kicking me out of the house. All because I wanted a quick dinner with about 3 of my friends. He felt insulted and took it out on me.

Ya know, stuff like that. It still haunts me a bit but with John, I'm trying to be more hopeful and stop this constant negative feeling that arises. Sometimes with a bad mindset, we complete a self-fulfilling prophecy and have a sure loss. I don't want that anymore.

I'm sorry for going through all of this just to get to my list...but I'm also postponing to see what I would come up with. I have gone through life thinking 'that's nice. I'd like it but--' and be able to come up with a reason why I can't have it or why it won't work (like we are moving and wouldn't be able to take it with us).

The top thing I would want for my birthday is to have a happy life. I've gone through enough dark and depressing times, I want to finally live free from those nightmares that used to haunt me daily, year after year. I want to be able to make others happy, like my husband and cats. I want to be able to take care of them and support them while being able to take care of myself.

But if we are going to narrow down possessions that can be gifted for a birthday....then I guess I can come up with a few:

  1. Resin- I've come to love this art medium and want to make more. We are hoping to gather some 'Total Boat' resin with the measuring lever. I really want to make resin shakers but haven't been able to finish one yet due to so much moving and poor weather. (Cold weather=tons of bubbles in resin; also needs good ventilation)

  2. Sharpies- I found that I really love to draw with these materials. I can layer a lot of colors on top that create new colors. It allows me to also use a sketchy/scribbly style that I've come to adapt as my own. Color pencils are nice but I become a bit too picky on having tons of different colors/shades/hues that it becomes too much. Pens work better for me.

  3. Not really a 'thing' but for someone to help us sell our artwork. I've always wanted to sell my artwork and make people happy. Except I'm terrified of talking to other people and getting them to buy, let alone LOOK at my products. I get really disheartened and end up just giving them away. For the first time in my life, I would like to be able to SELL something. I guess the 'thing' could also be to help pay for a sponsored ad for our images to reach a greater audience.

  4. To Be Able to Travel- The top countries that we would want to visit are Vietnam and Thailand. These locations first as they are cheap and have the street food vendors we want to try! The world holds so many amazing things that we want to experience. Down the line, we will consider the more expensive countries such as various places in Europe, Japan, South Korea, etc.

  5. A Body Camera- After multiple incidences where I needed evidence of events and me panicking during certain confrontations...I'd like to have something to protect myself if needed. There is also the bonus that if we hike or vacation places, I will be able to record the paths we take and what we see!

  6. Data Bank Storage- To hold the many photo files and video files that I have collected. I'm very sad that I have lost so much data due to failed technology, old technology, moving, being damages, and corrupt files. I rely a lot on these files to remember what I have been through and experienced. Sometimes I get lost in the whirlwind of my own thoughts and any past memories just don't exist.

  7. A Permanent Home- I don't want to keep moving. I'm tired of it. I have done that far too often and want to be stable. I'm ready to fill up my home with memories and have a place to keep coming back to. A place where we actually get to learn the area, explore, and be able to forage what's available. We got close two times. But that is not enough! I want to know the place like the back of my hand and be proud to call it 'home'.

  8. A means to help me finish my master's degree! Finances are what holds me back. That and finding help to make sure I am taking the right path to becoming a behavioral research scientist. I had started with a really great University, and then they merged with a sub-par version who messed up my profile and then blamed me. I have the e-mail conversations but nope, my fault. They also put me in a class that is supposed to be after a different class. You can't have a class that goes into depth as if you know how to go into research papers...if you have a specific class that is teaching you how to understand research papers. Just the way they handled everything was too much and caused far much more stress than it should. I had too much going on at the time so it had to be postponed.

Actually, I think that's about it. Those are what I really want most. Some are obtainable. Some may obtainable after time. Some are just hopeful wishes.

But having John and my two cats makes me happy nonetheless! I will enjoy every year and every day that I get to spend with them. <3

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