Miller May 2026 Monthly Update

This month went a little smoother but still too quick. I'm going to have to keep this simple as my mental, emotional, and physical capacity are at their limit.

Quick throw in: I was 3 sessions into my 12 session neurofeedback program. Thanks to Colorado gov't that changed certain certifications that dropped many clients from their list. So now I'm back on the waitlist or searching for someone else for that therapy.

Then my pay has been dropped almost $100 suddenly. Hopefully Tuesday will help explain things. But with my comprehension and thinking ability...this will be a struggle.

My memory is poor, my energy is in severe fluctuation, my emotional regulation is WAY off (more than normal), and processing skills halt at every stop. So not sure what to do since I was supposed to have another 9 sessions. I'm still in a hovering daze. But will have to completely restart again with a new location (or same location on the VERY long waitlist).

I've been trying to work through things that have been triggering me for over 2 decades now. It's been heavy and I just haven't been getting the help and support I've needed. So I'm extremely strained and on the verge of crying almost every day for over a week now. I haven't had therapy for a week because she was on vacation (and she gave significant heads up so I was prepared), but that one session a month missing is a lot. Considering I only get FOUR sessions a month.

With how many issues I've been trying to work through and get help on...I actually need like 2-3 times a WEEK. But alas, I have tried to make do with just the 4 sessions a month. After not having access to Medicaid for 10months out of the year last year, I'm trying to make the most of the few encounters I have. I've tried to create a mental persona of my therapist, helping me process through some situations with her perspective and most likely responses in return. It has helped, but that still keeps everything stuck in my own head.

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June is approaching and what we have scheduled:

June 7th we are having our Craft Sale at Who Gives a SCRAP! I think it was 11am-4pm. Stop by and pick up some great gifts or see what awesome art our WGAS crafters have made. I hope you'll be able to stop by and maybe see some of the new art we have made?

June 9th we are hoping to try and go to the Skill Share Saturdays downtown with Concrete Couch and affiliates. We are hoping to share more skills with the kids. Will depend on my health and ability for that day. I think it starts at 9am and goes until 3pm? I may have to double check.

June 26th from 11am-1pm we are having another free ATC crafting event at Who Gives a SCRAP in the classroom if you'd like to stop by and create with us for free!

-> If you are just hear for the business updates. This is as far as you need to read. The rest are just some of my summarizing rambles of the heavy underlying struggle that has been going on for awhile and will still be going. With no therapy last week at ALL, it has been a lot harder than expected. Then showing up to the office to find out she sent a message Friday about the cancellation was rough. I wanted to cry but that didn't fully hit until mid Friday of wanting to cry for the loss.

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We aren't doing too much this month. I'm still in recovery...really disconnected and struggling to keep things running here at home. If I'm not able to make these, John will try to cover and lead.

Had a rough week of almost nonstop socializing which knocked me out for awhile. Then I started getting complaints of the home not being clean or organized enough even while he watches me struggle. So I'm going to need to stay home a bit more this month to finish getting the home pulled together more. It already stresses me out at this state of mess but physically I have to stop frequently or I'll be bedridden for a week again unable to get out of bed for the bathroom without help. And he's been adding more complaints to it which doubles my stress and kicks my exhaustion into high gear. I haven't been able to feel rested for awhile. I'm struggling to notice that I need to eat or go to the bathroom but now I'm getting the full mental overload of how much I have to keep track of and do to keep everything afloat in this home and it still feels like I'm not doing enough. I'm very disconnected from my own body and feelings because it's usually all just too intense.

If I don't say hi or go into long conversations with you. Please understand I'm exhausted and barely scraping by. I don't get much professional or emotional help and interactions with people feel more like expectations and obligations rather than care and support. Having grown up basically alone outside of parents in the home (who were mostly neglectful and overly busy), I don't know what that feeling IS to ask for help, to get help, and to feel better afterwards. That was an extremely rare simple pattern. I'm still not familiar with it. I'm still not getting it. My nerves are still stuck to what is familiar to me during my existence.

So what happens when I realize I need help and the years of memories and constant interactions over and over of asking for help and being dismissed, given shallow advice, conversations about other things that I didn't bring up, toxic positivity, push back, shame, or just emptiness....I have physically stopped looking for emotional support or connection. Even from friends. When the repetition of your life story tells you that no one cares, no one is listening, and no one will take care of you. I had people say they would reach out in a few months to stay in contact. That's like a handful in the last year that never contacted me again. Even two of them we saw at church just kind of smiled and walked away. Some of them don't even recognize me when I'm standing in front of them. Or I watch their eyes go up and over where I am and then them turn and walk away.

My parent's motto they basically ingrained into me when dealing with emotions?

Suck it up and push through it.

I tell them that now this was the motto I went by for years and they try to deny they were the ones that pushed it. But it was a key pivotal point in my life as an early teen. I clearly remember it because the wall I backed into from that moment and I couldn't keep going. Even the exact situation and memory I still PHYSICALLY feel The home, the position of me and my parents, the organization of the home layout, the fear building up to asking them, usure how to ask or what I'm trying to ask, to them dismissing and brushing off my concerns. The shock and feeling of everything fall into the pit of my stomach as I realized my parents really don't care how I'm feeling. They don't ask. They don't put time aside to understand my lived experience or pain. Then the long breakdown that followed solidified the memory. They also didn't want me crying for 'no reason' or they would give me something to cry about. So my crying was more of a family annoyance that needed to be removed from the calm and happy atmosphere they rather have.

And they are trying to say I wanted to make that up? I don't want these painful experiences and memories I have to keep reliving and remembering!! It keeps retriggering me and sending me back to the past with ALL of the similar emotionally tagged events since. That could be HUNDREDS of related pain incidences compiled and thrown at me. Every cycle and every year getting heavier and heavier with accumulation.

But I've been encountering many more situations since then that are triggering just like this. And that hit takes at least a full 24 hours to recover from. Then another 24-48 open and empty hours needed afterwards to catch up on the responsibilities that had to be pushed off. So my days are less of me being able to do things and having to work on resting and trying to feel safe in my own body.

I'm mentally overwhelmed and I don't think people understand by how much....I'm in pain 24/7. I'm suffering and crying almost every morning from lack of sleep, nightmares, physical pains, and more. Then while awake I have to take care of:

-I'm having to keep track of my health concerns which is a full-time job of monitoring and action to improve if I can physically move. I have 7 long-term diagnosis that have no cure and interfere with literally every aspect of life to some degree. Many of mine are similar to Johns at a slightly milder number of 7 while his may be at a 9 with a normal person being a 0. But most of my health concerns and issues are overlooked because 9 is a lot worse than 7. Some times his comments hurt because he tends throw in a comment here and there that he struggles with certain issues, leaving out that I also have those issues I'm struggling with beside him or leaving it open to where it will be understood as HE only has the issue and I'm supposed to take care of him. Nothing that I'm taking care of both of us with these issues too. So another layer of worried expectations. (I've even gotten this response from even MY own medical professionals towards him. so my fears and anxiety are based on patterns already happened)

-Then there is also John's full-time caregiving I have to do. Which really is already a full-time job. Who else will it up with him at 1am-4am because he had a really bad nightmare and can't go back to sleep? If he wakes me up or I wake up and notice, I always am up with him.

-Then there is the home needs that I have to be aware of such as when things need to be fixed, changed, moved, what to add or remove, when to clean, when to remove the trash etc. The kitchen he maintains mostly, but the counter behind by the dining room I still apparently have to clean and keep track of. I still do a decent part in keep track of inventory and food decisions at home. Even laundry requires many things to keep in mind: Making sure you clean the clothes BEFORE you need to use them. And now having to be aware of Colorado Springs Utilities wanting to jack up the price during peak hours almost x3 what it used to be. So making sure none of the wash or dry cycle is going during this time. OR that after the washer is done the countdown begins to switch it over before it starts to smell moldy.

-Then there is the business we are trying to grow which I've been getting the website going (when I can since I'm doing 99% of it), the business cards, the signage, the email contacts, the setting up classes, preparing and prepping materials, or even just following up with messages sent out. Then connected to that is keeping track of time and the calendar: scheduling, planning, allocating enough time to get there, making sure there is gas BEFORE you leave, making sure you leave on time, reach out if you are late to let them know, making sure you don't have something else already scheduled at that time and more.

-With the business is the ATC kits, trade boards, and branding. I do all of it. Almost 99% on my own. The collecting items, designing kit focus projects, the display signage, the actual display, organizing the trade binder, making sure we have all materials for events, making sure we have backings which also needs to be printed, to creating the ATC instruction zine, keeping track and cleaning out what is needed for each event, and managing the ATC webpages.

-Then there is the socializing connection such as multiple times I have to read over what John writes to make sure it's ok before he sends it out. Though I'm not writing it, I do tend to verbally give him a range of how to respond and still have to edit and verify. That's not exactly taking care of the socializing even though I'm trying to back off for awhile. The socializing also includes sending out bday cards to our younger siblings. He NEVER remembers for his siblings though he wants to and feels bad when he doesn't. For the past couple of years I have been trying to keep up in making sure they get their bday cards, and sed it out a week before their actual bday. This year has been so rough I haven't even prepared the other 5 letters to mail out. I usually get these done in December the year before since with my family my siblings bdays are in Jan and Feb.

-On top of all that is my overwhelming need for learning and creativity which I have to do or else I go mad crazy. My main emotional regulator and what keeps me stable I have to do daily. I tend to push this aside to work on everything else above. Giving me brief moments ever few days to open times when I can do things but I'm so dazed from over processing that I can't comprehend anything in front of me. Pick up a pen? I wouldn't know what pen is and how to pick things up. So I tend to also lose a lot of time just staring at something up to hours a day just to let my mind digest and process through everything I've seen, experienced, or remembered.

-And as a wife and/or partner in teamwork, there is also the mental load of remembering what needs to be done, telling someone what needs to be done and completed by when (and remembering what you told them as well as when), then the frequent but spaced follow-up to make sure things are done without nagging. I've had too many times the other person fights me that I never said anything so I have to remember when I mentioned something and as carefully accurate as I can to what I actually said. I've been gaslit by too many people and had to silence myself because though I remember the event clearly, If I can't point out those TWO details, then it's doubtful and I don't have much of a side to defend. Because what if I remembered it incorrectly? This whole thing is probably is over a 15 year pattern at this point. And I'm still encountering situations where these details are important which keeps me on edge and anxious.

And to think this is barely even skimming the top of what I fully have to keep track of. None of this usually is allowed to stop or pause. It is all always constantly running without rest. Even at night in my dreams with the stress and worry frequently seeping into nightmares.

I'm at my limit. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I want peace and rest and I haven't gotten any for over a week now after desperately needing it prior.

We made stuff this past month, but I'm so exhausted and have been crying for the past 6 hours I may post the art in a different blog post when I'm emotionally up for it.

I've been hit with multiple comments the past two weeks of I'm not doing enough.

Even though I thought I gave enough heads up that I will be going through a therapy process that would leave me exhausted and needing extra sleep. I have not had my sleep be a priority even though I've been trying. I keep being told sleep is important, but thrown from so many directions where everything else is such a high needed priority I need to push my needs aside.

Though there is one person that comes to mind, this also happens from people who genuinely don't know me or not even from people at all. It comes from all angles but the repetition of it over and over...pains me. I'm drowning in responsibilities.

But if I ask for help I feel like 1) a burden asking for things that aren't someone else's problem 2) I can't even guarantee that the help will make me feel better, making me 3) feel guilty because they put effort in but I didn't get the relief or comfort I needed. I appreciate the help...but kind of what I have been trying to explain to people: just because you think you are doing something nice, doesn't mean it's nice for the person receiving it. I know I have had some friends try to comfort me, but with my history...a lot of that are triggers and cause me to be more alert from the possible hidden meaning.

Because I've been there far more than I'd like to remember. Though I feel it. Far too often.

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So this is where I'm going to end this. I also had started writing about my beliefs earlier this month and now at about 9 pages for the first part of the first question. Whoo-wee. It'll be a lot. But I'm learning quite a bit about the foundations made during our childhood has shaped and molded our feelings and beliefs based on repetition. What is forced upon us by people or society, versus what we have forced on ourselves over and over and were made to believe. I'll be posting when I feel I have exhausted my answers enough for that question. This next month I want to be home more to write and create. Along with fixing up the house to be ready for people visiting.

We didn't get bulbs for our lamps until just yesterday. We got the lamps like two weeks ago sitting without lightbulbs. I'm so tired and strained that even going out to get NEEDED lightbulbs were pushed.

Anyway. Thank you sincerely again for reading. Especially if you have read up to this point. I do get some relief when I know some people are willing to spend time and mental energy reading what I've written. I'm just always afraid of the types of comments that might follow. But that is life. One day I hope to be more comfortable with it and myself.

Hope your next month is full of warmth, joy and excitement.

(Oh and it's John's bday tomorrow. Tell him happy birthday.)