Miller June 2025 Monthly Update

Michelle
Jul 9
15 min read

Updated: Aug 4

[[Warning: This one is going to be unedited.]]

I will be testing something in the next few months. So if there are sections that are confusing to you here, PLEASE message me to let me know. This will greatly help.

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Here is an adorable picture of Sherlock to start you off!

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The weather has been lovely hasn't it?

Minus the crazy and slightly terrifying hail storms randomly.

This month didn't go as we planned. Then again when does it?

The first week we were supposed to crash having worked almost nonstop May in preparation of VBS. That rolled out the first week of June meaning our part was done.

Well was "supposedly".

Did not turn out as such meaning we were still working most of that week.

The next week we were going to try and rest to recover. Tuesday afternoon our car breaks down. The fix, costing us far more than we paid for the vehicle, and more than we could afford.

So having an unusable vehicle, it was time to search for a new one.

Borrowing money from my family, we managed to get a new vehicle within a week, while costing us time and energy we didn't have.

Then the third week was catching up on stops/errands that we couldn't do the previous week or pushed off from the second week.

During this time I was also visiting new therapists to search for a Trauma therapist that specialized in Emotional Neglect and Emotional Abandonment from Narcissistic Family Systems. It's been answering so much, especially the miscommunication John and I encounter frequently. Because within our family systems, when we speak something or HOW we speak something has an underlying meaning that we both automatically respond to.

Kind of like sleeper agents hearing code words or phrases and taking action that correlates with what has been programmed. Like for my family, the OMISSION of certain words, phrases, topics, emotions etc are the problem. To me, I read so far into what is said and how it is said, that I know the cycles of terrifying results that will occur long before I move or speak my choice.

Same for John. His parents created a world where he could never trust his caregivers or any adults in his life. Many putting his life in danger and causing him permanent damage. Meaning he had to think and mature far beyond his years, at too young of an age.

These experiences have formed us in the way we view the world, how we experience it, what we anticipate, and so much more.

We are learning how deep trauma will bury and take hold whether you like it or not. It will control you until you uproot the core cause.

SOME ARE ACTUALLY GENERATIONAL CURSES.

And some may roll their eyes, but hey I would've too 20 years ago if I didn't research so deeply for those years everywhere else. BUT this.

This I may dip into-

Think of us coming from Adam and Eve. The Bible calculating the Earth being around for about 6000 years at this point. How many generations have passed from the original humans to YOU? How many of them could have had curses called on them? Called them on themselves? Or just unwittingly picked up curses? At a certain point of time we can pretty heavily rely that the human lifespan is approximately 120 years. (Gen 6:3)

We don't just throw around 'That's Cursed' for nothing. It may be thrown lightly now but we do understand somewhere internally that THIS EXISTS. Most of the time we just don't like the idea of it and brush it off. But that underlying uneasy feeling that yes...curses exist. And the cursed exist.

Man there is so much more I want to go into to show connections but like many other topics...it's still on my list. And may be there for a few more years as I chip away at it. I promise it's all building on a much bigger mountain of information. I'll get there.

....

Where was I going with this?

Oh right. Me finding a therapist. (Lol yes sorry I got off topic)

[[I don't summarize well and that was my version of summarizing. Also very quickly done because I don't want to spend the next 5 hours finding all those references again. They are already sorted in other manners for their next project steps. ]]

John and I have been also going through so many exhausting nights with insomnia, chronic pain, and draining nightmares. Which leaves us very little energy to get anything done, let alone focus on reading what step we are doing. We have gotten into some fights that we both know are our childhood cycles playing through us again. But we can't stop the automatic response and reaction ingrained. We've been unraveling it for years but the pain is just as deep. It's been getting better, but when it's from an autopilot track of decades...that requires professional help.

Honestly, I'm quite impressed by how much we are able to get done considering we are always in extreme pain, fatigued/exhausted, or heavily distracted (disassociation, executive dysfunction, distraction as a coping mechanism due to trauma triggers).

Hoping that with the progress with this new therapist, I'll be able to rest and recover more.

She's fitting so many perfect specialties that fit what I am looking for because she has been personally trained in it or has gone through it as a patient. Not to mention she was a police officer for 15 years and still does frequent therapy for first responders. Not only does she keep researching, she's lived it, and she is actively using the information.

Perfect start.

I am very curious to learn more about the legal side of mental health having dealt with many extreme situations in her previous profession. So I'm oddly excited to talk to her to get her view/knowledge on many topics.

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Side bar: Learned something new about EMDR.

--EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a psychotherapy approach designed to help people process and heal from traumatic or distressing experiences.

It works by having the person recall traumatic memories while simultaneously engaging in bilateral stimulation (such as guided eye movements), which helps the brain reprocess the memory and reduce its emotional intensity. Over time, this allows the memory to become less triggering and more integrated into the person's overall life narrative.--

EMDR works for just about everyone. However, there is a special version of EMDR that is for those who have heavy disassociation issues: DID or Dissociative Identity Dissociative Disorder.

Because the normal process of EMDR will be extremely triggering and cause more damage.

The last trauma therapist started me a MONTH into us meeting.

As I have been hearing from those who are quite learned and are daily researching/reading any information about their field keep stating: You need a minimum of 6mo establishment between you and your client before starting. And ONLY if everything is in place and the patient is ready. It's a very dangerous step to rush this process.

And looking back, the issues she brought back up and caused, without being a reliable support to help mitigate the effects, was not great. I have not had that condition happen to me except once to that extreme before. And she kind of brushed it off when I told her it was very concerning.

Not everyone is properly trained and I need to be a bit better in evaluating before I delve deeper. In case you couldn't tell by the multiple blog posts I have written about a few therapists or medical professionals we have encountered here in Colorado Springs.

But just because you go to one bad therapist doesn't make them all bad. Just because you have tried a method before in therapy doesn't mean it won't ever work.

John has found an AMAZING therapist who even went to get a specialized certification to help John specifically for his condition. And he is always reading and researching to keep up with every session.

He even helped make a chart that he gave to John to give to me. This was so that I could work on understanding what my bodily sensations mean and what emotion I may be stifling so that I can be more informed how to ask for help. Like he is ACTIVE in learning and using what he has learned as often as possible (when it fits). He only did this as an indirect way to help John, since part of John's struggles for almost two years in therapy were miscommunications or confusions I was a part of. Marriage communication struggles but stemmed from trauma specifically.

He has brought us such faith in that there are therapists out there that GENUINELY care and have the intelligence to do something about it!

Anyways. I have been reading as well, when I can. John has giving me more time to read as he delves more into his projects.

My newest book recommendations are:

Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People: Avoid Emotional Traps, Stand Up for Your Self, and Transform Your Relationships as an Adult Child of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson, PsyD

It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from NARCISSISTIC People by Ramani Durvasula, PhD

These took me a lot of time to go through. So many memories popped up, for both of us actually, that hit us hard. But we are also working on writing our story and this has helped reveal a lot of connections (or the lack of). There is a lot to cover and I'd like to research further into the structure alterations of childhood development with the possibilities of how it influenced my choices in life.

What was the nature that I was born with? And what was a nature that I was trained to have because of the nurture environment I was born/raised in? What happens when there is also a lack of healthy support beyond the home? What does the emptiness do to a child's understanding of the world when there is literally no one to ask for help?

My mom told John when she was surprised we have been together married for almost 7 years, "Michelle is sweet but very emotional."

And the book by Lindsay Gibson talks about the lingering anger that I have after hearing this, sitting for days in my mind. The unsettling dismissal of everything she did to terrify me or the abandonment and emptiness I felt my entire life. The pain she caused me directly or indirectly: she will never acknowledge or apologize for.

Not that I expect her to. But the injustice of having to live through this pain and damage while she is blissfully ignorant (or purposefully ignorant). Either way, I do not believe my parents have the capacity to accept that I have lived a very different experience than they want to believe.

I have had at least three therapists and two counselors ask me why I am still in contact with my parents hearing my stories and seeing the impact it has had on me.

Because ever since I was a child...I could feel their pain. I already knew they were hurting. They just literally don't know what to do with it and don't want to admit they are at fault in any measure. They could not regulate their emotions healthily while I was a child which was terrifying and damaging. Yes, they may have learned NOW a few health methods...but as a child, that 'burst of anger' changes their world at home to one of terror. The message: "your caregivers are not safe". I stopped expecting closeness since about 10 years old. And it was when I turned 32 that I no longer expected any approval from them. That was the most freeing decision.

I say all this because with John and I, we are going through a lot of realizations that our childhood was not normal. And that 'normal' was not taught in schools so that we could understand what was an acceptable range of pain/suffering. Yes, there may be bad days where you feel down, sad all the time...but when it's been the same for 4 years straight already...wouldn't that be an indication I needed help? And to have it grow into being suicidal for years with no one noticing? To have this level of pain and suffering for 15 years STRAIGHT?

...how does a child know what is acceptable or not if there are no safe adults teaching them this and being consistent in showing them care?

Came across this video and it sat on a tab for about 2 weeks until we could watch it.

How Toxic Is Your Family? Family Systems Test - Patrick Teahan

https://youtu.be/vh_00gNi0ao?si=LGddxDAcf31P22sj

John and I took the test. Mine was 84 and John's was 93.

So safe to say...we have grown up through a lot.

With that...we are helping my parents move as a repayment for their loan to us for our vehicle. That will be rough on me, not only being around them but the physical strain I may have to go through while there. And not even talking about picking stuff up (I won't be picking items up due to back pain), but the constant strain of being around them is also very painful. At home, I already have trouble resting with my muscles relaxed less than 5% of the day. Constant risks of even throwing my back out with a sneeze because my back muscles are always THAT tense.

But they have helped us when we needed it so I still feel that obligation because of the financial support they still provide. John will be doing most of the moving, but it will also cost him due to the high adrenaline he needs to have to go through this.

At least my parents have very strong predictable values I can rely on. They may not have been great parents, but they were still great workers and highly skilled in their positions. Fitting well with the careers they choose. But their skills did not overlap well with raising kids. Other than the Executive Functioning processes that were taught in an authoritarian manner.

Effective. But not the right atmosphere for certain children and their temperments. I was highly sensitive, so the threats that were 'bluffs' were more harmful than 'helpful lessons'. This is why it is important to adapt the parenting method for WHO your child is. Not mold them into the child you want them to be with whatever parenting method you are comfortable with.

It'll be a painful two weeks following.

But you gotta do what you gotta do to survive right?

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Another quick catto break!

She was greatly appreciating the cat home my parents got rid of before their move.

Anyway, I hope this goes a little more into why we are growing this business. A lot of self-discipline and self-discovery involved with each step so we can make another forward.

We are slow but we want to be successful so no rushing! We will get there when the time is right. It's not like we aren't doing anything. So some patience and grace is required.

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Now into the Business Front side of things.

We weren't able to get into too much because...half of our apartment ended up being filled with Cardboard. So we took in just about the rest of the unused cardboard after VBS ended. I really do not like the idea of wasting all of what was given to us so I wanted to salvage as much as I could while working through Project #5, #6, and #7. I have 8 multi-year projects I'm pulling together....wait does writing my book count?...no no not at all. That's a completely UNRELATED project.

...oh yeah that is also a problem with us. There are so many projects we are rotating through that we don't even mention because it started so long ago and will have many more years before we complete it.

But those three projects will involve a LOT of cardboard as background pieces of props. This is also leading into prepping for next year's VBS and planning ahead to lessen the stress when the time comes to it. Meaning I ended up creating quite a few laser cut files to help trim these cardboard pieces down to size quickly and cleanly. I've become a bit obsessed with seeing my quick designs be swiftly and accurately cut out. What sucks is the only opening times to use the laser cutter are limited and reserving times are also limited.

I was handmaking some sample prop ideas before I created the SVG file for lasercutting.

John was working on sewing together a cape and our sewing machine broke. Getting the part would take a few days and he wanted to get it done. So we went to the library for him to borrow theirs and finish. I used the laser cutter and cut out cardboard nonstop. This was the cape he was going to make me back in 2022 or 2023? Because my little sister is going to the Ren faire coming up, we thought it would look great as a part of her outfit when she went. So he's using this new deadline to push himself to get it done.

It's looking AMAZING!

Suddenly asked to wear his cape...with the outfit stuff or it would look weird. It was extremely HOT!!

John made this from scratch at least 2 years ago. He had the pieces cut out and that was it. Our sewing machine broke and it took us some time to come across another one. We picked one up end of last year at an Art Swap and finally had time (and space) to lay everything out. The machine had some issues with a piece internally breaking.

So we went to the library for John to complete as much as he could. Also loving this machine called a 'surger' that many mistake for a 'sewing' machine. He figured out how to use it better than the librarian who knew how to use it and loved the machine. But that's just how his brain works with machinery. And the drive to accomplish a project as the motivation to keep going.

Still has a few more bits to complete by hand but generally done!

The fabrics used were previously two curtains we picked up at Goodwill.

The next craft groups already coming up~

ATC Groups

Christian Craft Fellowship

Next July 19th - 10:30am-12:30pm

At 21C Library in one of the 'B' rooms

Crafty Card Collective

Next July 27th - (?) 11am-1pm

At Rainy Day Anime store (event room to the left of the store)

-We may or may not have this one depending if the class we are trying to take will overlap. We have been trying to take this class for 2 years and they only have them a couple times a year. -

Please text me if you would like any update changes: 719 492 5617

I managed to snag two pictures this time! I don't know why but I even THOUGHT I need to take a picture of the Trade Board here and of more cards being made...but I tend to just immediately forget. It's frustrating that the "timing of memory" and "able to do" do not always coincide. This is how many cycles now? But it's getting closer to actually being done! So here are some craftiness in process or completion~

ART SWAP - with Who Gives a SCRAP!

Next July 12th at PPLD East Library from 1pm-4pm

Bring craft supplies lightly used to new trade in for other supplies!! Drop off anything you won't use and scour through tons of other donated items to pick from. You'll find some amazing prizes if you keep your eyes open...and stay for the full 3 hours! People tend to keep cycling through providing new items to look through frequently.

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As for creating we have done a little of that this month.

Most of my energy went into cleaning and organizing the home since we started to only have a very thin hall throughout the whole apartment. It was very stressful so I had to focus a lot of my energy on that. Plus preparations for what we will be working on could now be brought to the front for easy access.

With only a day or two left of the month, the home has had a lot more space, ready for the crafting coming up in July!

Oh did I mention it was John's birthday on the first? We were working for about 12hours prepping for VBS on his bday which he said ended up being a really nice day. We aren't afraid of hard work and really do enjoy it. Especially when it's doing something we love like creating and building. Considering birthdays are usually triggering and full of painful memories, staying busy and around people who appreciated the effort he was putting in helped create a positive baseline throughout the day.

Now it's going to be my turn in July.

Oh boy.

Any time I've asked for something, it's all been pulled out from under me or been another traumatic memory. I've been able to remember less than 5 decent to great birthdays during my life which aren't great odds. So we shall see what kind of birthday I'll get this time?

I just want peace and rest....and to solely focus on my projects without interruptions!!!

Will this be too much to ask for?

If your automatic response was "no not at all"...then you must have missed the story where the only thing I asked for for my bday was a Carrot Cake and halfway through the cake the day before my bday, it got taken from me and eaten before I woke up. And I was turning 30. And when we were chased out of our home due to a violent mob and forced to stay with his toxic family.

And things like this were quite common throughout my life. How could I not feel like I'm being selfish asking for anything? Even if it was my birthday?

Again, more details that will be found in my book down the line. I'm trying not delve too much into it yet.

Well, to end this section, let's share another adorable picture of our baby Sherlock!!

Not really helping Sherlock.... but you are too adorable!

She's so cute. I'll go nap in the other room, and she'll cry when she can't find me. Even if John is sitting next to her in the same room. Half the time when she finds me she shuts up and pretends she didn't care, walking off for some other need that needs addressing. The other portion of the time she snuggles near me for a nap.

Love her so much! <3

Also want to remind people to sign up for TRE's Art Show!

It's free to enter, and when accepted in, you'll keep 40% of what the item is sold for with the minimum pricing at $100. So that's a minimum of $40 if your piece is accepted.

No need to have the art piece done yet, just submit the 'intent of participation' to give us an idea who is participating. Then you'll have about TWO months to complete your art piece. Not bad right?